When I used to start working out after a long period of time being sedentary, I almost always relied on self-deprecating humor to deflect the discomfort I felt going to the gym. When it comes to using self-deprecating humor to deflect feelings of deep emotional discomfort, I've been there, done that, got the t-shirt. It's scary as hell for an out of shape, sedentary person to join a gym. A gym is for fit people, not fat people (so we tell ourselves) and as soon as we even hear the word "gym", we get a strong feeling that we don't belong. I feared and hated the gym for a long time until I finally found something, in adult-onset diabetes, that scared me even more than going to the gym. (I will go into this aspect in depth in tomorrow's post, titled "How Big is Your Why?" in connection with posting my second podcast episode, where personal trainer Jim Guimond provides excellent insight into the core motivation for staying active.)
As bad as the little self-deprecating remarks were, I was even better at self-criticism and self-judgment about how badly I was doing at trying to get fit. When it comes to covering up deep shame and discomfort with self-deprecating non-humerous, cruel statements, I’ve been there too, done that too, and got the t-shirt, finisher’s jacket and club socks.
All too often, when we are operating well outside of our comfort zone, that voice in our head that tells us “we can’t” gets really loud and bossy. It tells us all our efforts will be for nought, and that we would be more sensible staying at home in bed or on the couch binge-watching all six seasons of Veep (I do love Julia-Louis Dreyfus). Our minds can be incredibly adept at turning a positive into a negative and taking an extremely big victory — having the courage to start up with a fitness routine — and snatching from its jaws a humiliating defeat.
Why does that voice appear to sabotage us from our scariest attempts at self-improvement? And why, even when we are consciously aware of that voice, is it so hard to defeat it? I think that the reason the voice appears is actually not to be cruel to us, but rather to protect us. Operating outside of our comfort zone is emotionally dangerous for us. We can fail, we can perform badly (and probably will at first — otherwise it wouldn’t be outside our comfort zone), we can be shamed, and the list of potential horribles can go on and on. So why wouldn’t our ego, that most fragile part of our psyche, want to protect us from all of that potential pain?
It is in understanding the motivations of that voice that gives us the power to silence it. Since it is only trying to help us for reasons that it thinks are eminently reasonable, it cannot be effectively silenced through combat. When we yell at the voice and fight back, it just grows stronger. In the same way you may grow stronger with a rush of adrenaline if you were physically being attacked, that ego voice that seeks to protect you from what it perceives as grave emotional danger will grow stronger and fight back against forceful attempts to silence it.
For that reason, I believe that the most effective way to silence that voice is with compassion: compassion for the voice, and compassion for the self that is bravely stepping outside of its comfort zone and doing something that is scary and feels risky in the short term but is healthy and beneficial in the long term. Thank that part of you that cares about you enough to try to protect you. And tell it gently that you are not in danger, that what you are trying is scary but that you are strong enough to do it through the fear. If you treat your fears and doubts with love and compassion, they will subside a lot more quickly than by fighting them head-on.
And be kind to yourself when you are doing something good for you. Don’t turn the positive of working out into a negative of how slow you think you are or how out of shape you let yourself get (for more on the dangers of comparison, see my post on how comparison is the thief of joy). Starting out requires an awful lot of courage, so be proud that you have the courage to start. That is the best way to set yourself up for a sustained period of activity to achieve the shift in thinking that eventually leads to learning how to quiet that voice of self-criticism and judgment.