Positive Thinking Post 2 of 5 - Responding to Negative Influences

This is part 2 of a 5 part article on positive thinking, which is a critical component of maintaining an active life and achieving our goals. You can read the prelude on goal setting here, and the first part on positive thinking and fitness here.

In the last post, I described ahimsa -- the practice of doing no harm even in thought.  This is a difficult practice to incorporate even in ideal situations. But how do we maintain a positive attitude in the face of external negative influences?  

This is an absolutely critical concept because fitness is a form of self-care and self-care is always in competition for every other person and thing that wants your time. Whether it's work demands, unsupportive friends, or unsupportive family members, people or obligations that exert some influence on your life will be a negative influence from time to time on your ability to maintain your commitment to a positive mindset.  So how best to deal with negative influences?

There are as many acceptable ways to deal with negative influences as there are circumstances, but I have found that there is only one mental attitude with which to deal with negative influences that does not in itself generate more negativity: compassion. 

Start with compassion  

Compassion is described in Buddhism as the desire for someone to not suffer. In its most intense and difficult form, compassion is the desire for someone who has hurt you to not suffer. Just like triathlon, compassion is a simple concept that can be difficult to execute.  So how do we generate compassion as a response to external negative influences?

Nothing is personal 

The usual and instinctive response to negativity is anger. Unfortunately, anger is a very strong generator of additional negativity so is always counter-productive.  A main reason that we get angry is because we take it personally when people behave negatively towards us. But if instead of reacting to that anger, we can step back and observe it more neutrally, it is possible to see that the negative behavior of others is always a product of the person generating that behavior. Even if the negativity is about us or affects us, and even if it's in response to us, it is all about the way the other person thinks, feels and perceives. We get to choose how we react and how we shape our own perception of the negative conduct of others. 

You don't need to respond  

Often, when confronted with negative behavior, our first instinct is anger, and our second instinct is to respond in anger.  Since anger feeds and fuels negativity, this is not a useful response if our main goal is to maintain or restore positivity. 

While one approach is to wait until you're no longer angry before responding, once the anger subsides, you may find that your need to respond at all has also dissipated.  You may be in a situation where you're best response is to simply let it go. You should feel free to take that path if it feels right to you. 

Give back what isn't yours  

A very wise friend gave me very good advice once: if you find yourself holding on to something that isn't yours, give it back. Some people in your life can have negative reactions to things you do and decisions you make. Following the first rule, don't take anything personally, and  the second rule of not responding right away (if at all), we can have the freedom to choose not to take on and hold on to other peoples' issues. Negative attitudes come from unresolved issues. This is true for other people and is also true for ourselves. It is hard enough to resolve our own issues that create our own negativity. If you find yourself holding on to someone else's issues and attitudes, return it to the sender; those feelings aren't yours to keep.

Back to compassion  

Generating compassion, much like maintaining a positive mindset, is not always easy and requires some practice and deliberateness.  Since positive thinking is a primarily internal process to respond effectively to our own negative self-talk, a good approach is to generate compassion for yourself. Just like maintaining fitness and activity is self-care, compassion for the self can also be an important part of self-care.  Since compassion is the desire for someone to not suffer, try to generate a genuine desire towards yourself to not suffer over whatever issues are causing your unhappiness. 

Sometimes we find it difficult to generate compassion for ourselves. We often find it easier to focus on other people and find that it feels awkward to focus on ourselves. This can feel especially true for generating self compassion.  

One approach to resolve this difficulty is to generate an intention of compassion for yourself for not being able to feel compassion.  Then you can explore the illogical paradox that results.  When I try that approach the ridiculousness of the paradox makes me laugh and reminds me that all the reasons I have created to have difficult thoughts and feelings really aren't all that important. 

That is the main power of compassion: its ability to shine a light on our own inflated sense of self that views our problems, even our legitimate problems, as uniquely important and, by extension, unsolvable.  

So the next time you find yourself trapped in a cycle of negative thinking as a response to someone else's negativity, you can try to see if an intention of compassion -- the desire that someone not suffer -- can help change your thinking.  And if you have trouble with that, generate compassion for yourself for not being able to feel compassion.  And laugh.

Positive Thinking and Fitness (Post 1 of 5)

In Going Long, an encyclopedic guide to training and racing full ironman distance races, Joe Friel and Gordon Byrn devote a whole chapter to the importance of positive thinking and self-talk.  The importance of a positive mindset for any endeavor is summed up as follows: "Mentally strong athletes understand that the body will follow where the mind leads, and they are careful where they lead their minds." 

A friend of mine once argued that the power of positive thinking is a sham  He said that when we ignore the negative, we abandon the power to confront it, and he equated positive thinking as fantasy and illusion.  I think his argument misunderstood what positive thinking really means.  I was at a loss to explain it in a way that made sense until I came across the Buddhist principle of "ahimsa" -- do no harm.  While often expressed as non-violence to all living things, ahimsa goes deeper than non-violence in words and actions, but rather extends to non-violence in one's thoughts as well. 

Ahimsa and healthy choices 

Ahimsa is easier to apply to our fitness goals by expressing it in the affirmative instead of the negative -- instead of "no violence" it can mean "make healthy choices", which starts with healthy thinking, which, in turn, increases the likelihood that we make healthy choices in our words and in our actions.  Looked at through that lens, "positive thinking" is really "healthy thinking" but as a conscious choice.  Said like that, its implications on our commitment to staying active is much clearer. 

Friel and Byrn divide positive thinking into thought, speech and writing, saying that controlling what we write is easiest, since writing is a deliberate act, while controlling our thoughts is hardest. My experience has been entirely consistent with that.  For example, regular exercise became a habit in 2016, which led to finishing a stretchy goal I had set for myself.  But all it took to start derailing me this year was a series of minor injuries, which started tearing down the positive thinking that was instrumental to achieving my goals in 2016. Without consistent awareness of our negative thoughts it takes surprisingly small amounts of adversity that, given some time, threaten to derail our positive thoughts.  Then the eve-present negative thoughts, words and actions have fertile ground in which to grow. 

Thoughts, words and actions are a hierarchy of our inner life that operate as a powerful force that shapes the life we live. Buddha said: “The thought manifests as the word; The word manifests as the deed; The deed develops into habit; And habit hardens into character. So watch the thought and its ways with care, and let it spring from love born out of concern for all beings… as we think, so we become.” 

Which brings me back to ahimsa and the power of positive thinking.  In my view, positive thinking does not mean denying or ignoring the negative or looking for silver linings (as my friend alleged).  It means acknowledging and respecting the negative for what it has to teach us, but then choosing to approach the world with an attitude of appreciation for the abundance that we have in our lives and a positive focus on the only thing we can control: our self. 

Scarcity and abundance at the inception of our thinking paradigm  

Negative thinking begins with an emotional attitude of scarcity.  Left unexamined, we tend to focus our attention on what we lack: what we do not have, or have but want more of, or the love and affection that we feel we lack.   Scarcity is a sad and lonely place.  Positive thinking, on the other hand, begins with an emotional attitude of abundance. We can choose to acknowledge the scarcity that is making us unhappy and respect the lessons that brings but, instead of dwelling there, we can choose to shift our focus to all that we have: the people who love us and help us, the beauty that surrounds us and the infinite opportunities that we have, big and small, to help make life better for us and those around us.  Scarcity and abundance exist in the same space and the same time and around the same themes.  Where we place our focus determines which will maintain long-term power over our thoughts and, therefore, our lives.

Focus on abundance leads to healthy choices

The positive thoughts and the emotional attitude of abundance, when chosen deliberately, leads naturally to a practice of ahimsa -- we can consistently make healthier choices and thus generate more happiness for ourselves and, by extension, for others.  Choosing to embrace a practice of healthier thinking can give us the opportunity to choose healthier foods, healthier activities, and healthier relationships that serve our best interest.  It can help affirm our inner wisdom that we alone know what is best for us and gives us clarity in the choices that will favor the good and result in less space for thw bad. As a practice, this creates fertile ground on which to decrease suffering and increase happiness.   

Do no harm, make healthy choices, and embrace abundance wherever it exists 

Personally, I have found it surprising how quickly momentum can build when we make a consecutive series of small, healthy changes. I saw it when I faced my own serious health crisis two years ago.  Within 18 months of consecutive small changes (along with a lot of help and guidance from some very good people), I accomplished more than I ever thought possible for myself.  As for the positive thinking and ahimsa -- after a series of minor but debilitating injuries this year a lot of my plans for the year were dashed.  That caused me quite a lot of despair at times and it was a struggle to maintain a healthy and positive attitude in the face of those ongoing setbacks. I tried to build up my spirit the same way I tried last year to build up my body (once again, with generous help from some very good people).  I took little steps, one step at a time.
So if things are going well for you and you are still reading these posts, perhaps you will choose to spend a few minutes thinking about starting a practice of your own. Perhaps just reading about the practice has already started to allow a few seeds of positive thinking to take root.  If, however, things are stressful and dark and difficult, even the smallest amount of effort can seem impossible. This is, however, when changing our thoughts is most critically important. So just take little steps, one step at a time.  That is often all we can do.  But the good news is that it turns out to be plenty.

Christmas Day Blog Post: The Birth and Rebirth of our Goals

Merry Christmas to all those who celebrate.  It seems fitting on a day that celebrates a famous birth to spend a few minutes thinking about when this day falls in our training cycles, at least in the Northern hemisphere, and how we can use the week between Christmas and New Year's to reset our calendar and our attitude for the year to come.  

No matter how 2017 went for you, whether you fulfilled all your training and racing goals, whether you succeeded at getting off the couch and staying off the couch, or whether you encountered obstacles that you could not overcome, we are all coming to the same place at year's end.  Our 2017 journey is coming to an end and our 2018 journey will soon begin. 

If you covered yourself in glory in 2017, you will soon have to start all over again in 2018. If 2017 turned out to be a huge disappointment for you, you will get the opportunity to try again in 2018, incorporating what you have learned this year to achieve a better result. 

In just one week, our training and racing year will be reborn anew with all the hope and promise that a new year brings. So my idea is to use this week to develop a positive mindset for all the challenges and goals that will unfold for that new year.  

For me, 2017 worked out entirely differently than I had planned.  All my big races had to be scrapped as I dealt with a series of minor but debilitating injuries.  That said, I do not consider the year to be a disappointment. I learned as much this year as I did last year when I finished my first half ironman, but I learned completely different things. The most important thing I learned this year is that I succeeded at my main goal from IRONMAN 70.3 North Carolina: planting a stake in the ground for my fitness that would sustain my commitment to my fitness for the future. 

Although this was definitely a down year as compared to last year, it was a very active year as compared to any other year in my life. I confronted a lot of obstacles, but I never stopped being active. And I'm proud of that.  

I'm hoping for a big year in 2018 and I have all the excitement, nervousness and uncertainty that big plans bring. So I am choosing for this last week of the year, to refocus my commitment to maintaining the mental and emotional attitude that will serve me best in the journey towards fulfilling my goals. 

My coach is a very, very good coach in many ways but I think that the way in which she is the best coach for me is in her attitude and mindset of relentless positivity.  I have learned that there is an incredible power in positivity.  No matter what your goals are, they will be much easier to work towards and succeed at with a positive mindset than with a negative one. 

Over the week between Christmas and New Year's, I will post a series of articles on my thoughts about what it means to focus on the positive and the techniques that I use to do my best at maintaining that mindset, whether things are going as planned or not. 

The guiding principle of positivity for me is "to do no harm" in my thoughts, words and actions.  Buddhism has a word for this principle, called "ahimsa".  It recognizes that harmful actions, begin with harmful thoughts and harmful words. Often, the person we are hardest on is ourselves, especially when we have challenging goals that demand a lot of us. The premise is that we all will be better served in meeting those challenges if we keep a positive mindset about ourselves and this positive thinking leads to positive words, positive actions and positive habits -- regardless of the specific results. 

I will explore this concept in detail over the coming days.  

I wish everyone a lot of love and happiness on this day and I hope everyone has a great last week of 2017 and wakes up on January 1, 2018 feeling like 2018 will be a wonderful year.  

Peace.  

 -- Aaron 

Priorities, limits and costs. And an incrementalism update

Since Thanksgiving, work has been brutal; late nights every night, weekend work every weekend and a 24 hour trip to New York thrown into the mix. With those work hours, sticking to a daily training schedule has been close to impossible. So I've had to draw on my own lessons from this blog and make up some new ones. Or rather write down some lessons that I have used but not previously articulated.  

Do what you can do 

The old lesson of "just don't do nothing" has been in my mind except I've had to adapt it to a weekly outlook instead of a daily outlook. I've committed to get up at 4:55 on Tuesdays and Thursdays to meet Josh for the SwimMAC masters swim class. Even that modest goal ran into obstacles when I had to pull some really late nights at the office and an all-nighter of 32 hours straight..  Some Tuesday night conference calls aside, I've been able to get to the track for some (but not all) of Fillnow Coaching's weekly run classes. Otherwise, no other training has gotten done on weekdays.  On weekends, I've kept up my long runs and other weekend workouts until this past weekend, when my wife took my daughter to Atlanta to see a comedy show and I was working from home the whole weekend while watching my 9-year old son.  

Simon gradually realizes that he's over-qualified to diagnose this problem. 

I planned a trainer ride on Saturday but my new electric shifting wasn't working, requiring a house call from Simon at The Bike Depot in Waxhaw, who was super nice to come try diagnose the problem. After some head scratching, he concluded it must be a dead battery, which was weird since the system was practically brand new. So I recharged the derailleur batteries Saturday night and discovered that I had a dead or faulty coin cell battery in the right shifter. After fixing that low tech problem Sunday morning, I got in 45 minutes of riding Watopia on Zwift. One lucky discovery was that in setting up Zwift on AppleTV Saturday night, I never ended the ride because I never started the ride.  So on Sunday afternoon, there I was, all alone in Watopia on a London day. So I had the whole island to myself. 

Solo ride in an abandoned, post-apocalyptic Watopia.  

So far so good for my weekend trainer ride  but I couldn't go on a 1:45:00 long run until my wife got home and she didn't get back until 7:30 pm.  I had to work from home quite a bit on Sunday and the last thing I felt like doing was going for a run in the dark between 7:40 and 9:25 pm. 

So that brought up two unpleasant options: get up at 6 am Monday and run in the cold and dark before work, or skip my long run. This was a problem since I really didn't want to do a 6:30-8:15 am long run to start the busiest work week of the year and I also felt very nervous about the prospect of skipping what I regard as by far my most important workout of every week. Option 2 was really tempting.  It is so nice to stay in bed and so unpleasant to get up in the cold and dark to go for an almost two hour run starting in the cold and dark. But I didn't skip it. I laid out my run clothes on Sunday night, packed my work clothes and went to bed at 9:30 pm so I would feel decent getting up at 6 am Monday. What convinced me to forego my comfort and get that run done?  

Use goals to impose a cost to missing workouts  

This is where my Winter Race Ladder really came in handy. The weekend after New Year's I have a 10k, then a month after that I have a 15k, then the month after that I have a half marathon. That's a lot of running races between now and March and Kelly is building up my distance gradually and incrementally to get me ready for each of these races, as well as a half ironman exactly six months from this Christmas Eve blog post. 

I have had to accept that I cannot fulfill all of my scheduled workouts during December due to extreme work demands, but I have a bull's eye on the calendar for every week's long run. I got really nervous over the thought of letting two whole weeks go by between long runs. In the end, my unwillingness to do an early Monday morning long run lost out to my own plan to run a race a month from December through March. I knew that the winter race ladder would be motivating but I did not foresee that one day it would be the difference between staying in bed and getting it done. I felt the cost of missing that run would be too high.

Establish clear priorities from your goals  

Having set my race goals for the winter, the priority became pretty clear.  I'm an endurance athlete, and a really slow one at that. My most important workout of the week right now is my long run so that I can build the endurance necessary for the half marathon in March and then another half marathon at the end of a half ironman in June.  Knowing that priority and its importance created a lot of clarity and focus.

Respect your limits and your priorities  

The sun came up quickly and the early morning light made for a great run.

the flip side of honoring your priorities is to also respect your limits.  With the hours I've been working this month, I did not feel it would be healthy or even possible to fit in all my workouts.  So rather than pick at random, I committed to do my Tuesday /Thursday masters swim classes, Tuesday night run class, my Saturday workout and my Sunday long run. I wasn't even able to hit all of these every week. But when push came to shove, I drew a line in the sand at my long runs.  

Talk the talk. Then walk the walk  

I have found it to be really important to maintain positive thinking and to take concrete steps to ensure that I stay positive and fight against the constant tide of negative thoughts that confront us, especially when we are tired and busy. Maintaining this blog helps me a lot as it makes me think about my workouts and my bigger plan. Having a coach also helps to keep me accountable. And making an effort to be a positive and supportive force for my friends when they are struggling to get active keeps me exercising to keep me honest: it was a Monday night motivational email to a friend who was struggling with getting started with a fitness plan that got me out of bed at 4:45 Tuesday morning for my first masters swim class!  After sending that long and encouraging email to my friend on Monday night, I couldn't face the hypocrisy of sleeping in on Tuesday morning!!

Update on incrementalism 

As painful as it was to start out that long run last Monday morning, it ended up feeling really good and being a critical building block on the road to all of my running plans for 2018.   

Kelly is sticking with the run /walk plan. This long run was structured as a 8 min run/2 min walk, 9 min run/1 min walk, 10 min run/1 min walk, repeat to 1:45:00. I got in 8.19 miles at about a 12 minute average pace during the run intervals. My next long run is another 1:45:00 run, all at 9 min run /1 min walk intervals, preferably on trails (i.e. with hills).

The week after that is the Joe Davis Memorial 10k in Fort Mill, South Carolina and after that the distances keep ramping up. So missing my weekly long run is the one line in the sand I won't cross!

Pick your priorities and follow your path. 

Choose Happy

My friend Cathy Bergman of Mont-Tremblant, Quebec, wrote a very wonderful thought on her Facebook page about how, when we work out and honor our health and wellness, we “choose happy”: 

“A terrific reward of my journey to health and fitness is the opportunity to share the journey with others on the same path.  Uncertain about the emotional roller-coaster that often accompanies significant lifestyle changes, someone recently asked me after a particularly hard-hitting training session at RobFit “Is it normal to be this happy?” I was delighted to reply, yes – it’s a fabulous side-effect to a good workout. We make choices every day, and a choice to include fitness in our daily routine is an opportunity to #choosehappy Will you #choosehappy today?”

I am feeling a bit under the weather today so there will be no hard-hitting workout for me, but I promise Cathy that I will do something good for myself today to “choose happy.” 

Second podcast episode recorded tonight

​I had an absolutely incredible conversation tonight with Jim Guimond of Kinetic Heights in Charlotte.  Jim was my trainer for that first year after I was diagnosed with diabetes and has been so instrumental in me changing, and saving, my life.

Recording episode 2 of the Up Off the Couch Podcast with Jim Guimond of Kinetic Heights  

Jim talked to me at length tonight about his approach to training and motivating people who come to him looking to escape a sedentary life and get up off the couch. I got to peek behind the curtain of how an effective personal trainer approaches the challenge of inspiring and teaching someone how to change their life when they have no positive experiences with exercise to fall back on. 

Whatever stage you're at with your fitness you will want to listen to Jim's motivational and inspiring words as we relive those initial scary months when I took my first tentative steps up off the couch. 

Look for episode 2 to drop on Saturday.